(452)▪︎[ It Continues … 7•10•2022 ]

[ Through The Years Of Having It, I Have Found That P.T.S.D.
     Has Scarred Me Deep ]
[ So Much So ]
[ It Can, Disrupt My Sleep ]

[ It Gets Into My Thoughts & Twists Time ]
[ It Puts In Front Of Me, A Huge Mountain To Climb ]

[ As My Temperature Gets Hotter ]
[ I Am Craving Water ]

[ But It Depends On How The Cold Water Is Made ]
[ What Helps Me To Drink It ]
[ Are Several Long Squirts Of Cherry Or Grape Kool-Aid ]

[ When I Finally, Lay My Head ]
[ Down On My Bed ]

[ It Is A Mystery, Of What Would Come Next ]
[ I Cannot Ask Google ]
[ Nobody Lets Me Know, Through A Text ]

[ My Mind Makes The Flashback, Look Really Clear ]
[ When My Flashbacks Takes Me Backwards, Almost (20) Years ]

[ In The Muggy Weather ]
[ How Do I Keep My Sanity Together? ]

[ Everything, Looks Normal ]
[ The Behaviors, Have Not Started Being Immoral ]

[ But Just Wait ]
[ My Attention Has Been Diverted To The Dorm ]
[ Watching Through The Rolled Down, Security Gate ]

[ This Is When, I Started To Sweat ]
[ By The End Of The Night ]
[ Both Of The Shirts That I Was Wearing, Were Wet ]

[ I Know What Is About To Happen, Physically ]
[ This Causes Others To Look @ Me, Quizzically ]

[ Mario Was Carrying A Fire Extinguisher & Gustavo Was
     Wielding A Cribbage Board ]
[ Made Of Solid Wood ]
[ But Who Were They Running Toward? ]

[ Then, There It Was ]
[ Mario Hit David ]
[ When He Was Asked Later, He Said It Was Just Because ] 

[ The Sound Of A Large, Full, Fire Extinguisher  Hitting A Kids
     Head Is A Sound That I Cannot Ever Forget ]
[ That Memory Is Set ]

[ After I Pushed My Duress, Security Was Coming In The Front
     Door ]
[ But Mario Made Them Backout ]
[ They Did Not Want To Be Sprayed By The Extinguisher Any-
     More ]

[ Then There Was A Change In The Tone ]
[ I Closed The Office ]
[ I Quietly Said To Myself (I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT I WAS
     GOING TO BE ALONE)

[ No One Else Was Coming Onto The Unit ]
[ In Other Words (I WAS IT) ]

[ The Security Office Kept Telling Me To Not Engage ]
[ So I Sat In My Own Cage ]
[ Watching Those (2) Kids Release All Of Their Pent-Up Rage ]

[ The Other Staff Never Came Back ]
[ With The Other (13) Kids ]
[ Maybe They Were Told That If They Stayed In The Gym, They
     Would Get A Snack ]

[ Time Seemed To Drag On As The (2) Kids, Mario & Gustavo, Went
     Around The Unit Breaking Every Window ]
[ They Could See ]
[ But, Why Was The Time Going By So Slow? ]

[ One Hour, (2) Hours Then (3) Dragged By ]
[ I Had So Many Questions, Starting With (WHY?) ]

[ Finally, The State Police S.W.A.T. Team Came Bursting Through
    The Door, Throwing The Desks To The Side ]
[ They Made A Path That Was Really Wide ]

[ One Of Them Pointed @ Me In My Direction, Telling Me To Come
     To Him With His Finger ]
[ I Grabbed My Lunch Box ]
[ & Did Not Linger ]

[ That Should Be A Positive ]
[ For As Long As I Live ]

[ Each Flashback Is The Same & As Different From Each Other ]
[ When One Ends ]
( Then I Experience Another ]

[ When Will The Flashbacks Stop? ]
[ When I Drop? ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[  Mahalo E Ka hoa  ]
[  A hui hou  ]
[ Aloha  ]

[  Na  ]
[  Lopaka DeVoe  ] [酪]

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(085)▪︎[ Just Existing … 1•27•2022 ]

[ What Would It Feel Like Being Stuck, Penniless, Hungry, Angry &
     Alone? ]
[ You Have No Idea How Long It Had Been Since You Last Got
     A Text On Your Phone ]

[ You Feel Like You Are On An Island, But You Have (4) Walls ]
[ On & Off During The Day, You Feel The Tightening Of Your
     Jaws ]

[ You Have Lost Track Of The Days & Weeks ]
[ You Feel A Burning Sensation, Inside Both Cheeks ]

[ You Have A Huge Knot, On The Right Side Of Your Back ]
[ You Can’t Afford An Actual Meal ]
[ Not Even A Snack ]

[ You Do Not Recall The Last Time You Ate ]
[ You Are Not Trying To ]
[ But You Can Tell That You Are Losing Weight ]

[ The Light In Your Room Flickers On & Off ]
[ You Have Had The Cold Sweats ]
[ & A Really Deep, Barking Cough ]

[ There Is No Medication That Would Agree With Your System ]
[ Nothing Prescribed By Your P.C. Doctor ]
[ Not By Any Of Them ]

[ You Cannot Remember The Last Time That You Left The House
     For Pleasure ]
[ You Used To Get Coins From The Bank ]
[ As You Hunted For Treasure ]

[ You Used To Look Through So Many Pennies, Nickels & Dimes ]
[ Hours After Hours ]
[ Yes, Those Were Good Times ]

[ But After Your Spouse ]
[ Left The House ]

[ Things Have Never Been The Same ]
[ You Can Not Find Your Wife Anymore ]
[ Because She Changed Her Whole Name ]

[ Without Telling You ]
[ Without Leaving A Clue ]

[ You Have Thought Of Taking A Whole Bottle Of Store Bought
     Sleeping Pills ]
[ But You Found In The Past That It Did Not Even Make You Feel
     Ill ]
[ It Only Gave You Cold Sweats & Then The Chills ]

[ A Single Ambien Usually Knocks The Average Person On
     Their Ass ]
[ But You Took (28) Of Them Really Fast ]
[ Using The Last Swallow Of Soda, That You Had In Your Glass ]

[ You Waited All Night To Fall Asleep ]
[ After A Couple Of Hours You Were Able To Drift Away ]
[ But You Didn’t Go Very Deep ]

[ You Startle Yourself Awake, Way To Early In The Morning ]
[ Then You Have Flashbacks Throughout The Whole Day & Night
     Without A Second’s Worth Of Warning ]

[ You Feel That All You Do Is Exist ]
[ You Are Not Enjoying Your Hobbies ]
[ So You Are Not Making A Single List ]

[ You Like To Inventory Everything That You Have Collected ]
[ Now All Your Hobbies Sit Neglected ]

[ Ever Since You Were A Teen Boy ]
[ Your Life Had Found Very Little Joy ]

[ You Always Wished That As You Grew Older You Would Come
     Across Some ]
[ Nothing Ever Came ]
[ Everyday Was The Same ]
[ Making You Feel Dumb ]

[ There Are Some Days & Nights ]
[ You Do Not Stand Up To Turn On The Lights ]

[ The Only Times That You Get Up, Is To Go To The Bathroom &
     Back Again ]
[ You Guess Your Dad Was Right When He Told You ]
[ (YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT, YOU WILL NEVER WIN) ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[  Mahalo E Ka hoa  ]
[  A hui hou  ]
[ Aloha  ]

[  Na  ]
[  Lopaka DeVoe  ]

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