(058)▪︎[ Hard To Refrain! … 1•19•2022 ]

[ When Someone Judges A Person Considering Suicide, Who
Has Never Walked The Life Or Death Line ]
[ Has No Place To Whine ]

[ The Suicidal Person Does Not Think That It Is The Most
Selfish Act ]
[ It Is The Other Way Around, In Fact ]

[ He Feels That The Act Will Free Those He Feels He Is Weighing
Down ]
[ The Issue Is Neither Black Or White ]
[ It Is More Like Brown ]

[ He Feels He Is A Financial Burden Or Drain ]
[ His Thoughts Are Going As Fast As A Runaway Train ]

[ There Are No Frequent Stops ]
[ There Are No Postal Drops ]

[ His Thinking Has Become Completely Hyper Focused On What
He Feels That He Must Do ]
[ He Tries Not To Give Off Any Social Cue ]
[ Or Leave A Clue ]

[ Nothing Until He Would Be Found ]
[ Either Swinging From A Rope ]
[ Or Laying On The Ground ]

[ In His Mind It Is A (FREEING ACT) Times Two ]
[ It Was Never A Selfish Act To Do ]

[ If He Is Not Working, He Might Feel Like Others Think That He
Is A Bum ]
[ His Guilt Is Something That He Never Could Outrun ]

[ Others Will Have More Money If They Did Not Have His
Mouth To Feed ]
[ (2) Different Times He Never Got Any Hits On His Resume
When He Used (INDEED) ]

[ Not A Single Bite On His Resumé After Having It Out There
For More Than ½ A Year ]
[ When He Got Let Go Because Of The ‘VID19 ]
[ This Was Something He Feared ]

[ He Thought That He Had A Career That He Could Retire From ]
[ Then The ‘VID19 Happened ]
[ So He Does Not Have One ]

[ One Time When He Was Omitted Into A Hospital, He Learned So
Much More About His Suicidal Triggers From The Others ]
[ Than He Could Have From The Dr’s ]
[ & People’s Mothers ]

[ They Should Have More Groups With Open Discussions Than
They Had ]
[ & That Was Bad ]

[ So Much About A Suicider’s Brain Is Misunderstood ]
[ That Does Not Do Anybody Any Good ]

[ He Just Wants To Release His Physical/Mental Pain ]
[ That Won’t Go Away ]
[ It Is So Hard To Refrain ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ] [酪]

(•)||▪︎•▪︎•▪︎||●||•▪︎•▪︎••▪︎•▪︎•||●||▪︎•▪︎•▪︎||(•)

(110)▪︎[ It Worked This Time … 2•7•2022 ]

[ When I Get Down On Myself & Depressed, People Tell
Me To Reach For The Phone ]
[ Call Some Agency, With Employees Doing Their Job ]
[ Then Hope For A (GET HAPPY) From Some Person That I
Have Never Known ]

[ What Can A Stranger Do? ]
[ When They Have Never Met You? ]

[ They Don’t Know Your Personality Or Your Quirks ]
[ Does This Agency Hire Alot Of People Who Are Jerks? ]

[ I Would Talk To Him & He Would Say (GO AHEAD) ]
[ (WHO CARES WHO WILL FIND YOU WHEN YOU ARE DEAD?) ]

[ Someone Encouraging My Negative & Suicidal Thoughts ]
[ Wanting To Chat About My Nightmares & The Days When
I Would See Spots ]

[ How Much Training Do These Employees Have? ]
[ An Hour & A ½? ]

[ Not Including The Bathroom & Lunch Breaks ]
[ That An Employee Always Takes ]

[ Where & When Am I Going To Have Trust? ]
[ Do They Swear That They Won’t Tell Their Friends About Such
& Such ]

[ How Am I Going To Trust Someone That Gets Paid For
This Phone Call? ]
[ This Person Would Be As Vested In Me As My Bedroom Wall ]

[ How Would I Think That This Would Ever Work @ This Time? ]
[ Well, I Am Still Alive To Write This Rhyme ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

[283]▪︎[ It Is Not Always A Bad Word … 4•18•2021 ]

[ A ][ 283 ][ IT IS NOT A BAD WORD … 4•18•2022 ]

[ To Some, The Word ]
[ Suicide ]
[ Is The Ugliest One That They Have Ever Heard ]

[ It Is Not The Easiest Way Out ]
[ It Is A Shout ]

[ For Help ]
[ Maybe It Is Because Of Their Health ]

[ I Watched My Dad Take His Own Life ]
[ Right When I Thought That I Was Starting Mine With Him ]
[ After He Came Back Over To Hawaii To Save Me From His Abusive
Wife ]

[ He Was Drunk & Arguing With His Girlfriend After Going To
Their Favorite Bar ]
[ It Was So Close ]
[ They Had No Reason To Use A Car ]

[ But From What The Police Found ]
[ There Were (2) Indentions On The Used Round ]

[ I Cannot Say That I Know What Was On My Dad’s Mind ]
[ @ The Time ]

[ His Actions Showed That He Had Been Thinking About
Murder/Suicide ]
[ Since The Round Did Not Fire The First Time, He Was The Only
Person That Died ]

[ Why Did He Want To Commit Murder? ]
[ Why Did He Want To Hurt Her? ]

[ He Never Left A Suicide Note ]
[ I Never Saw What He Wrote ]

[ If There Was Ever Anything To Read ]
[ A Note Explaining Himself To Leave ]

[ It Was A Downright Crime ]
[ That I Never Had Any Time ]

[ For Him To Be My Father ]
[ Maybe He Could Have Told Me About The Reasons For Being
Split From My Brother ]

[ I Wanted My Father To Teach Me For Many Years ]
[ I Am Sure I Shed Alot Of Tears ]

[ I Try To Remember Him (26) Years Later ]
[ It Would Be So Easy To Grow Up As A Hater ]

[ But I Haven’t, Why Should I? ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ] [🤙]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

(565)▪︎[ No More Pain … 7•9•2021 ]

[ Suicide Is Very Prevalent, In Today’s Society ]
[ It Can Be A Mental Disorder, Where People Suffer Quietly ]

[ As They Go Quietly In The Night ]
[ Because They Give Up ]
[ & Quit The Fight ]

[ Sometimes It Is Because They Have No More Energy To Keep
Fighting ]
[ So They Put Down Their Pen ]
[ After They Are Done Writing ]

[ Their Suicide Note ]
[ Then They Read, What They Just Wrote ]

[ They Wrote That Nothing Makes Them Happy, Anymore ]
[ Not Even A Friend, Walking Through The Door ]

[ Sometimes Days On End ]
[ Are Stayed Covered Up, In Their Bed ]

[ Only Getting Up For Drinks Or Food ]
[ Thinking That Whatever They Say, Will Be Misunderstood ]

[ Getting Up Fewer & Fewer Times, As The Hours Tick By ]
[ Because Of Their Depressive Moods ]
[ No One Comes By, To Say ( HI ) ]

[ The More Days That People Stay Away ]
[ The Less They Eat ]
[ & The Less That They Weigh ]

[ Sometimes Suicidal Thoughts, Consume Them ]
[ Getting Away From The Suicidal Thoughts, Becomes A Problem ]

[ Once They Have Decided To Take Their Pills ]
[ A Feeling Of Warmth, Pushes Out The Chills ]

[ Then They Quietly Lay Down & Close Their Eyes ]
[ No Longer Having To Listen, To Anymore Lies ]

[ When They Are Found, They Are Gone ]
[ Their Soul Has Moved On ]

[ Then, There Is No More Pain ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo iā ‘oe ]
[ A hui hou mākou ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(566)▪︎[ Strikes A Nerve … 6•16•2020 ]

[ Sometimes Things, Words, Events Really Hit Close To Home ]
[ Where Or When Did This Start ]
[ That Is Not Known ]

[ When I Was Very Young, I Had A Bad Night ]
[ It Was Because My Dad Was Drunk ]
[ So He & His Girlfriend Decided To Argue & Fight ]

[ My Dad Made The Worst Decision He Had Ever Made ]
[ He Got His Gun ]
[ & It Was His Life That He Gave ]
[ It Was Not Fun ]
[ To See His Name On A Grave ]

[ But The Rest Of Us @ Home That Night Survived ]
[ But Was I Really Alive? ]

[ There Have Been Bumps & Turns ]
[ Suntans & Burns ]

[ Everybody Had Bad Events Growing Up ]
[ Every Kid Had Times When They Just Wanted To Keep
     Their Eyes Shut ]

[ But The Point Is To Get Back Up & Fight Again & Again ]
[ That Is The Only Way You Win ]

[ But My Friends, I Write My Thoughts & I Feel What I Write ]
[ Nobody Says What Is Wrong Or Right ]
[ I Just Want To Turn On The Light ]

[ To Begin Another Day ]
[ To Find A Way ]
[ To Write What I Want To Say ]

[ It’s Not Wrong ]
[ To Have Those Moments When You Don’t Feel Strong ]

[ Don’t Make Hasty Decisions, Without Thinking Ahead ]
[ If You Are Not Feeling Well ]
[ Lay Your Head Down On Your Bed ]

[ & Go To Sleep ]

~ Ka hopena ~

|| Mahalo iā ‘oe ||
|| A hui hou mākou ||
|| Aloha ||   ‎
‎
|| Na ||
|| Lopaka DeVoe ||

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day, In 2002, Is What I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed, Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ YES, I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Had Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold, Clear To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks, Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark, I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ But The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Bad Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ But The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking Her [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day Is What
I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Have Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold Down To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]