(183)▪︎[ Getting By … 2025 ]

[ You Try Too Hard In A World Full Of People Who Don’t Try Enough ]
[ Very Few People Are Made Of The Right Stuff ]
[ That Makes Your Life Pretty Tough ]
[ & Your Day To Day Struggle Kind Of Rough ]

[ You Have Been Through Alot, During The Almost Sixty Two Years On This Earth ]
[ You Were Even Abused By The Mother Who Gave You Birth ]
[ Did That Forever Lock In Your Worth? ]
[ Making You Feel Not Better Than Dirt ]

[ You Have Separation Anxiety To The Highest Degree ]
[ That Is One Personality Trait That You Try Not To Let Other’s See ]
[ You Have Never Felt That You Are Completely Free ]
[ Most Of The Time You Are Relegated To Be Down On One Knee ]

[ Your Mind Constantly Recreates The Reasons That You Feel So Haunted ]
[ You Are Tired Of Thinking About The Reasons Why You Feel So Unwanted]

[ The Demons Are Once Again Trying To Poke Through Your Skin ]
[ Sometimes You Wonder Where The Ending Is ]
[ Where Was The Point Where They Started To Win ]
[ Some Of The Harshest, Most Hurtful Comments, Come From Your Kin ]

[ From your Own Kid To Be Exact ]
[ One Thing That You Know As Fact ]
[ That Son Of Yours Has Zero Tact ]

[ It Would’ve Been Much Easier To Bite A Bullet Years Ago ]
[ But Now You Are Dragged Through Hell ]
[ Really Slow ]
[ But Nobody Asks About It, So You Won’t Tell ]

[ It Has Never Been Clear ]
[ Which Way Is Up ]
[ Where Do You Go From Here ]

[ Your Back Hurts, But So Does Your Whole Body ]
[ If You Were Ever A Weather Forecast ]
[ You Would Be, “Mostly Cloudy” ]

[ Storm Clouds Coming Down From The North ]
[ The East – Winds Blowing All The Piles Of Leaves ]
[ Back & Forth ]

[ Causing The Person, With The Rake In Their Hands, To Almost Go Mad ]
[ When He See’s All The Damage ]
[ That’s When It Hits Him & He Feels Really Sad ]

[ If You Feel You Are On A Treadmill Going Nowhere Fast ]
[ All Of The Other Runner’s In The Human Race Running Past ]
[ Might Make You Feel Like You Are Coming In Last ]

[ You Trudge On Trying To Get To That Faraway Finish Line ]
[ You Don’t Know If That Is When You Turn (62) Years Old ]
[ Or Will That Be Around (79?) ]

[ You Don’t Look For The Easiest Route ]
[ Writing Takes Up Most Of Your Time ]
[ So You Don’t Sit Around & Pout ]

[ Pouting Or Asking For Sympathy Has Never Been Your Thing ]
[ You Don’t Do Karaoke Because You Cannot Sing ]
[ You Have A Queen In The House ]
[ But You Wish Throughout Your Marriage You Could Have Gifted Her More Bling ]

[ You Have Alot Of Regrets ]
[ That You’ve Always Wanted To Forget ]

[ Maybe Someday You Will ]

Mahalo Nui Loa
Na,
Lopaka DeVoe

(681)▪︎[ The Bad Years … 8•16•2021 ]

[ There Were Years When All You Wanted To Do Was Just
Lay Down & Drift Off Into A Deep ]
[ Long Sleep ]

[ Could Anybody Take Your Pain Away? ]
[ Even For A Day? ]

[ If You Took All Of Those Pills, Would That Do The Trick? ]
[ You Had All Of Those Bottles From Which To Pick ]

[ Days Were Dark ]
[ You Had No Drive ]
[ You Felt Like You Were Stuck In Park ]
[ You Failed To Thrive ]

[ The Nights Were Even Darker ]
[ The Bad Images In Your Mind Were Always Larger ]

[ The Sounds Of That Person In Pain ]
[ You Heard Over & Over Again ]

[ Being Stuck In A (3) Hour Riot ]
[ Has Stolen All Of The Times When You Needed It To Be Quiet ]

[ There Was Nothing You Could Do ]
[ The Whole System Failed You ]

[ You Had To Listen To That Kid Getting Beat ]
[ All The While The Powers That Had Been There ]
[ Directed You To Take A Seat ]

[ This All Became Your PTSD In A Nutshell ]
[ So For So Many Years Your Memory Dragged You Through
Hell ]

[ You Can’t Say (& BACK) Because Sometimes Your Memory
Left You There ]
[ These Kinds Of Memories You NEVER Share ]
[ Unless You Wanted To Scare ]

[ Whoever You Were Talking To ]
[ Whenever You Were In A Flashback You Never Knew ]
[ What To Do ]

[ So Your Dark Days Extended To (21) Or (22) Hours Long ]
[ Everything In Your Head Was Wrong ]
[ You Stopped Feeling Strong ]

[ You Never Turned To Alcohol Or Any Illicit Drugs ]
[ You Never Turned Into A Thug ]

[ But You Did Turn Into Your Worst Enemy ]
[ You Could Not See ]
[ How Things Should Be ]
[ All Because Of Your PTSD ]

[ If Only You Could Go To Sleep For A Day Or Two ]
[ Would All Of These Sleeping Pills See You Through? ]

[ They Almost Did That ]
[ I Was @ The Count Of (2) On The Mat ]

[ But Then You Woke Up One Day ]
[ Then Decided That Wasn’t The Way ]

[ Everyday Since Then, You Walk The Fine ]
[ Imaginary Line ]

[ Do You Want To Go? ]
[ Or Do You Want To Stay? ]
[ Do You Always Know ]
[ That It Is Okay If You Are Not Feeling Okay? ]

[ You Say That Only The Wise ]
[ Recognize ]
[ The Prize ]

[ Through All The Angst & Strife ]
[ The Prize Is Living Your Life ]

[ The Best That You Possibly Can ]
[ & Try To Be Your Biggest Fan ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day, In 2002, Is What I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed, Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ YES, I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Had Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold, Clear To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks, Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark, I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ But The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Bad Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ But The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking Her [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]