(606)▪︎[ The Mind … 7•22•2021 ]

[ It Is Not Very Fun When You Get Lost In Your Own
Thoughts ]
[ It Is Disconcerting That When You Open Your Eyes
You See Spots ]

[ Feeling Like A Square Peg Being Pushed Into A Round Hole ]
[ It Burns You So Much Being Pushed & Pushed ]
[ It Aches @ Your Soul ]

[ You Set Off Flares & Yelling That You Don’t Fit ]
[ No One Listens ]
[ Or Even Cares Just A Little Bit ]

[ Then You Feel Pushed Aside & Being Told To Go Stand
With The Other Misfits ]
[ You Quickly Found Out That You Don’t Sit Near The Fan
When Someone Throws In The Shit ]

[ Pails Of Bullshit Being Thrown @ The Fan Night & Day ]
[ One Day Of Sitting Next To The Fan ]
[ You Will Try Really Hard To Get Up To Get Away ]

[ Where Do You Run Without Leaving A Trail A Mile Long ]
[ After Sitting Next To The Fan, The Stench Is Really Strong ]

[ A (30) Minute Shower Might Do You Some Good ]
[ Seeing What You Have Been Through ]
[ Everyone Understood ]

[ Being Put Under So Much Stress Flicks A Switch With
Your P.T.S.D. ]
[ That, Is Always, A Wait & See ]

[ Will It Awaken With The Slightest Touch? ]
[ How Can You Tell ]
[ When The Stress Is Too Much? ]

[ It Could Be A Noise? ]
[ A Voice? ]

[ A Combination Of The Two? ]
[ You Can Never Predict ]
[ What Your Mind Will Do ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo iā ‘oe ]
[ A hui hou mākou ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(370)▪︎[ The PTSD That I Have Come To Know … 5•2•2021 ]

[ There Are Times When I Feel Like I Could Get So Lost In
     My Mind ]
[ But In There Lies The Danger Of The Memories ]
[ That I Hate To Hit The Button To Rewind ]

[ The Thick Air Of That Hot August Day In The Year
     2002 ]
[ When That Flashback Comes ]
[ There Is Only One Thing I Can Do ]

[ Just Sit There & Suffer Through Another Flashback ]
[ It Will Be 19 Years ]
[ & The PTSD Still Attacks ]

[ Takes Over My Brain, My Body, My Whole Day ]
[ It Always Comes @ Me The Same Way ]

[ The Sound Of A Fire Extinguisher Hitting A Kid’s Head ]
[ Then Look Where That Led ]
[ I Was Never Sure Why They Attacked David ]
[ While He Was Just Sitting Helpless On His Bed ]

[ I Was Directed ( TO NOT ENGAGE @ ALL ) ]
[ When Mario Would Demand My Keys ]
[ All I Could Do Say Was ( I WOULD NEED TO MAKE A CALL ) ]

[ I Knew What They Would Say ]
[ ( THAT WOULD BE A NO, OKAY ) ]

[ Let Them Be Mad @ Security Instead Of Me ]
[ I Knew That I Could Never Hand Over My Keys ]

[ The Time Dragged After They Barricaded The Door With
     Desks & Mattresses ]
[ I Think That Increased My Stressors ]

[ When There Is A Flashback, There Will Be A Form Of PTSD ]
[ No One Else Can See ]
[ How Debilitating Flashbacks Can Be ]

[ It Literally Takes My Mind From Here ]
[ To Then ]
[ It Was Always Clear ]
[ About The Why & The When ]

[ Every Word ]
[ That Was Said Or Heard ]

[ That Makes For A Long Night ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ]   ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

[ It Is Always

(1235)▪︎[ This Is A Recording … 10•13•19 ]

[ I Remember Putting On A Brave Face ]
[ To Hide The Symptoms Of Depression ]
[ I Always Felt Like A Disgrace ]
[ Because I Needed to Make A Confession ]

[ Whenever Someone Would Ask ]
[ [ HOW ARE THINGS? ] ]
[ I Wanted To Take Off My Mask ]
[ & Tell Them About The Guilt That Depression Brings ]

[ I Could Never Get Away From The Guilt Because It Was
Always On My Mind ]
[ Add My PTSD To The Mix ]
[ & It Seemed Like I Was Always On Rewind ]

[ PTSD Affects Me In Many Different Ways ]
[ & It Can Affect Me For Many Consecutive Days ]

[ Day In & Day Out ]
[ There Were Days Where All I Wanted To Do Was Shout ]
[ Because I Was Having Nightmares That Had To Do With Subjects That
I Knew Nothing About ]

[ Later In The Day The Subject Would Become Clear ]
[ I Was Having Nightmares About Things That I Fear ]

[ Can You Hear That? ]
[ I Can ]
[ I Just Don’t Know Where I’m @ ]
[ As One Man ]

[ Oh, I’ve Been Sitting Here All Of The Time ]
[ Having Flashbacks ]
[ In Between Writing Rhymes ]

[ What’s The Subject For The Day? ]
[ Even In My Confusion ]
[ My Thoughts Can Sit Still & Stay ]

[ But I Didn’t Want Or Need Them All ]
[ When One Wouldn’t Go Away ]
[ It Drove Me Up The Wall ]

[ How Do I Keep My Modesty & Sanity? ]
[ In A World Filled With ]
[ Insanity & Vanity? ]

[ That’s One Reason That I Try To Keep My Thoughts Wrapped
Up Nice & Tight ]
[ Because Sometimes When I Try To Verbalize Them ]
[ Things Don’t Quite ]
[ Sound Right ]

[ But Most Of The Time I Stay In My Head ]
[ So My Expressionless Face Can’t Be Read ]
[ & Complimentary Words Would Go Unsaid ]

[ Often My Home Was My De-Compression Zone ]
[ A Better Place ]
[ Was Never Known ]

[ I Had To Find Another Place Where I Felt As Safe As Before ]
[ Would I Ever Be Able To Find That Door? ]
[ Where It Was Safe To Walk On It’s Floor? ]

[ Now I Know A Place Where I Can Take My Thoughts & Park ]
[ It’s When I Go To Sleep In The Dark ]

[ When I Open My Eyes I’d Hear This Song ]
[ That Usually Told Me When Something Was Wrong ]
[ I’d Tell Myself [ BE STRONG, BE STRONG ] ]
[ Even When I Did Not Quite Know What Was Going On ]

[ When I Could Clearly See ]
[ I’d Find That There Is Nobody In The Room ]
[ With Me ]
[ Then I’d Wonder [ HOW COULD THIS BE? ] ]
[ I Figured Out That It Was Another Flashback ]
[ Caused By My PTSD ]

[ How Can I Get Away From This Disorder ]
[ That Is Like Playing A Recorder ]

[ [ SHUT DOWN! SHUT DOWN! ]
[ Is What I Tell Myself ]
[ But It Never Works, I’ve Found ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(902)▪︎[ In The Air … 10•27•2020 ]

[ What Is In The Air Tonight? ]
[ Is It The Scent Of Good Memories? ]
[ Or Does It Make You Want To Fight? ]

[ Fight Back The Tears? ]
[ Or Fight Your Fears? ]
[ You Have Been Battling To Control These Emotions For Over
     18 Years ]

[ You Have Narrowed That Count, Down To Three ]
[ But Each One Has The Same Affect On You ]
[ Because They Have Become Triggers ]
[ For Your PTSD ]

[ When You Start To Head Down That Negative Path It
     Starts To Make You Worry ]
[ When There Needs To Be Someone In The Room ]
[ You Always Want To Say ( I’m SORRY! ) ]

[ In Advance ]
[ Because Nobody Should Be Forced To Watch ]
[ As You Slip Away, Into A Trance ]

[ Can You Be Woken? ]
[ Has There Ever Been A Word Spoken? ]
[ In Your Trance Like Look ]
[ Do You Look Broken? ]

[ You Feel Broken The Minute After You Come Out ]
[ Sometimes You Have Doubt ]

[ Of Where You Are @ That Minute ]
[ You Need To Be Talked To & Engaged ]
[ Or The Movie Can Come Back & Then You Will Be Right Back In It ]

[ Sometimes It Is A Really Slow ]
[ Fall ]
[ Into Someplace That You Don’t Want To Go ]
[ @ All ]

[ Back In, Because There Are Times When You Have Fallen ]
[ Your Name Is What Someone Should Be Calling ]

[ You Can Control A Twitch ]
[ As Well As You Can Control A Sneeze ]
[ So Don’t Act Like A Little Bitch ]
[ Please ]
[ & Laugh & Tease ]

[ Because You Can Hear If You Are Being Negligent ]
[ Or Caring ]
[ It Would Be Magnificent ]
[ If You Don’t Feel The Need To Go Around & Start
     Sharing ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ]   ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day, In 2002, Is What I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed, Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ YES, I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Had Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold, Clear To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks, Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark, I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ But The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Bad Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ But The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking Her [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day Is What
I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Have Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold Down To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]