2025 ]

[ Hi Ho, Hi Ho ]
[ You Want To Tell Her That You Miss Your Needle Terribly ]
[ Or Did She Already Know? ]

[ In The Early Morning, It Is Way Too Lonely & Quiet ]
[ It Is Hard Waking Up ]
[ When The House Is Totally Silent ]

[ Unfortunately Until She Returns To Her Rightful Place ]
[ Written Words Are Just That ]
[ Until You Express Them To Her, Face-to-Face ]

[ Your Surgery Is Coming Up Really Fast ]
[ You Hate Thinking Of The Aborted Surgery That Was Attempted Last ]
[ But It Just Hangs There, In Your Past ]

[ It Is Hard To Think On The Positive Side ]
[ When There Are Days Like Today, That Kicks @ Your Pride ]
[ It Takes You On A Downward Slide ]
[ Towards The Thought That This Is Your Last Ride ]

[ You Used To Be Afraid Of Death ]
[ But Not Anymore ]
[ Sometimes When You Close Your Eyes @ Night, You Hope That You Would Soon Take Your Last Breath ]
[ Because Death Will Be Knocking On Your Front Door ]

[ Maybe If You Don’t Breathe Heavy Or Cough ]
[ He Will Cross Your Name Off ]

[ That Would Just Be A Taunt ]
[ Because That Is Not Exactly What You Want ]

[ You Are Not Homicidal ]
[ So Please Do Not Worry ]
[ You Are Not Suicidal ]
[ Even Though You Kind Of Seem To Want Death To Come In A Hurry ]

[ What Are You Going To Miss? ]
[ You Cannot Remember Even The Last Year ]
[ That Your Wife, Of Almost (30yrs), Even Wanted A Passionate Kiss ]

[ Will You Miss Another, “Shut The F#*# Up” Spelled Out In A Text? ]
[ Sent To You By Your Loving Son? ]
[ Wondering What He Will Say Next ]
[ Sure Can Create Plenty Of Guesses That Can Sound Fun! ]
[ You Sure Am Glad That He Never Found The Bullet Proof Vest ]
[ That Was Lying Under Your Gun ]

[ You Had Them Sold ]
[ & Taken Far Away From Your Home ]
[ Because You Never Wanted To Find Out How Ice Cold ]
[ He Could Have Become If He Had Known ]

[ (62yrs) On This Earth ]
[ Was Not A Smooth Ride Since Your Birth ]

[ But Then, Nobody Has Ever Said That They Had The Perfect Childhood ]
[ You Survived ]
[ So It Must Have Been Pretty Good ]
[ It Doesn’t Take Downing A Whole Bottle Of Cheap Wine ]
[ To Wonder If Everything That You Were Told As A Child Might Have Been Vastly Misunderstood ]

[ You Feel That You Have Been Very Selective ]
[ With The Answers That Were Written Down ]
[ In Your Advance Directive ]

[ Some Might Say That You Are Being Hasty With This ]
[ If Anyone Wants To Know Your Reasons ]
[ Give You A Minute & You Will Give Them A Full List ]

[ Your Mind Is Completely Clear & Sane ]
[ You Are Not Bordering On The Insane ]
[ But You Are Oh So So Tired Of The Pain ]

[ When They Say, “Everyone Has Pain” That Much Is True ]
[ Unless Someone Wants To Pick Up Your Shoes ]
[ They Don’t Have A Clue ]
[ About All Of The Missed Social Cues ]
[ It’s Not Like You Are Feeling Down & Blue ]
[ It Is Not Like You Haven’t Been Paying Your Dues ]

[ You Did Stop & Pay What Was Due @ Every Tollbooth Along The Way ]
[ But You Never Paid Extra ]
[ Because You Never Wanted To Prolong Your Stay ]
[ For Even A Day ]

[ The Emotional Pain Is The Worst ]
[ That’s The One That Lingers ]
[ & Always Hurts ]
[ From Your Toes, Clear To The Ends Of Your Fingers ]

[ The Pain Is Slow ]
[ It Begins Down Below ]
[ Really Low ]
[ That Kind Of Pain Never Heals Because There Is Not The Much Needed Blood Flow ]

[ The Invisible Wounds Never Heal ]
[ Don’t Let Anyone Try To Convince You That The Pain Is Not Real! ]
[ The Energy That They Steal ]
[ Gives You That Rundown Feel ]

[ You Do Not Wish To Have A Service Of Any Kind ]
[ The Less Your Name Is Said ]
[ The Sooner It Disappears From Everybody’s Mind ]

[ You Have Been Losing Your Will To Live ]
[ Over The Last Couple Of Years ]
[ Sometimes You Feel Like You Don’t Have Anything Left To Give ]

[ You Have Been Trying To Slow Down Your Breathing ]
[ Most Of The Time You Don’t Really Feel Like Eating ]
[ Yes, Needle, Bump, CB2.0EV & Ms. O. You Know That This Sounds Self-Defeating ]
[ But How Do You Put A Positive Spin On Leaving? ]

[ The Only Family You Have Left Is Nicole, Your Wife ]
[ You Feel Like An Albatross Around Her Neck ]
[ But With Your Death, You Hope That She Could Start A Whole New & Exciting Life ]
[ As You Drop The Mic, Can You Ask, “Who’s Picking Up This Check?” ]

~ Ka hopena ~

Mahalo nui loa
A hui hou kaua e kuu hoa

Na,
Lopaka DeVoe

~ Aloha ~

|| ● ▪︎ ▪︎ ■ ▪︎ ▪︎ ● ||

(889)▪︎[ Surgery? Yes Please … 10•22•2020 ]

[ It Happened One Morning With Some Pain In
My Neck ]
[ As The Days Went By & The Pain Got Worse ]
[ I Started Wondering If This Was Something That Maybe
I Should Have A Doctor Check ]

[ The Pain Starts @ The Base Of My Head ]
[ & Radiates Down My Right Side ]
[ It All Started One Morning When I Got Out Of Bed ]

[ I Could Turn My Head To The Left & There Was
Very Little Pain ]
[ When I Turned To The Right ]
[ The Pain Is Insane ]

[ I Need To Have It Checked & See What A Doctor Has
To Say ]
[ I Wish This Appointment Was Done Yesterday ]

[ Maybe There Is Another Surgery On The Horizon ]
[ Let Me Go Through It ]
[ So My Life Can Go On ]

[ & Live More Of My Life Possibly Pain Free ]
[ I Just Want The Chance To See ]
[ If A Major Spinal Surgery Will Help Me ]

[ Surgery Would Be The Choice That I Would Choose ]
[ Because With As Much Pain That I Am In ]
[ I Have Nothing To Lose ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ] [🤙]

(•)||▪︎•▪︎•▪︎||●||•▪︎•▪︎••▪︎•▪︎•||●||▪︎•▪︎•▪︎||(•)

(650)▪︎[ I Am Not Just PTSD … 7•27•2020 ]

[ Okay, I Realize That I Have P.T.S.D. ]
[ But My P.T.S.D. Does Not Define Me ]

[ I Was Asked To Find The Meaning For Me ]
[ Because Having This Does Not Feel Happy ]

[ This Kind Of Blissful Thinking ]
[ Would Definitely Lead To Hard Drinking ]

[ Which Is Not Something That I Want To Do ]
[ Would Any One Of You? ]
[ Want That Too? ]

[ Because Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ]
[ Is Like Reliving A Horrible Event ]
[ By Pushing The Play Button On Your Minds Digital Recorder ]

[ You Should Always Feel Blessed ]
[ If You Never Have To Deal With This Mess ]
[ But If You Do ]
[ Never Think Of Yourself As Being Any Less ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ] [🤙]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

[006][ Pain, Pain & More Pain … 1•3•2021 ]

[ Oh The Pain That Shoots Through My Back ]
[ Sometimes It Feels So Bad ]
[ My Thoughts Fade To Black ]

[ I Then Scraped It Against The Wall ]
[ That Hurt So Bad ]
[ But I Have No Idea Who To Call ]

[ Do I Call The Dr. Or Do I Call My Wife ]
[ I Think That Either Way I Go ]
[ It Would Be The Thing That Was Right ]

[ Shooting Pain Cannot Be Described ]
[ Sometimes These Pains ]
[ Hurt The Most In My Life ]

[ I Think I Have Figured Out What & When Something Makes It
Hurt ]
[ It Is When I Rub Against Something ]
[ That Pushes Up Against My Shirt ]

[ But I Would Really Have To Be In Bad Shape To Go
To The E.R. ]
[ I Won’t Take An Ambulance ]
[ But I Would Have To Be Pushed Into The Car ]

[ So I Will Just Grin & Bear It ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

(022)▪︎[ Pain … 1•6•2022 ]

[ Some Say That Solace Must Be Discovered ]
[ If You Lose It, Can It Be Recovered? ]

[ Sometimes Loneliness Can Zap Your Powers ]
[ You Can’t Wash Lonely Off In The Showers ]

[ It Would Be Nice If It Was Tangible & You Could Wash It
     Off Of Your Back, Like Dirt ]
[ The Same Goes For Hurt ]

[ Both Of Those Are A Feeling ]
[ Both Of Those Could Send You Reeling ]

[ There Are Different Ways Of Getting Or Being Lonely In Life ]
[ The Worst Way ]
[ Would Be Losing Your Husband Or Wife ]

[ That Would Then Give You The Hurt That You Would Never
     Have Dreamed Of ]
[ All Because You Lost The One Person Who Was Supposed
     To Be YOUR Lifetime Love ]

[ That Kind Of Hurt Gives All Kinds Of Pain ]
[ That Kind Never Wanes ]

[ That Kind Of Pain You Can Not Wash Off ]
[ There Is More Pain When You Feel Totally Lost ]

[ Pain Is Pain ]
[ It Is What Everyone Disdains ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo E Ka hoa ]
[ A hui hou ]
[ Aloha ]

[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

||•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•▪︎•||

(333)▪︎[ So Much Pain … 4•22•2021 ]

[ There Is So Much Pain Busting @ The Seams In Your Heart ]
[ When Another Dart Is Thrown ]
[ It Continues To Tear You Apart ]

[ It May Be A Word ]
[ That You Heard ]

[ Or An Action That Was Done ]
[ But You Found Out A Long Time Ago ]
[ That Hurtful Words Are Things That You Cannot Out Run ]

[ They Find You By Seeking You Out ]
[ It Could Be A Whisper ]
[ Or It Could Be A Shout ]

[ The Whispered Hurtful Words Do Not Draw A Crowd ]
[ But, What Always Does ]
[ Are The Ones That Are Said Out Loud ]

[ Those Are The Ones That Always Draws Others Attention ]
[ & Because It Does ]
[ There Are Higher Levels Of Contention ]

[ Sometimes Hurtful Words Are Said Because Someone
     Lied ]
[ When Hurtful Words Are Said ]
[ You Want To Run & Hide ]

[ Not In A Playful Way Of Another Game Of Hide -n- Seek ]
[ These Words Can Create Such Big Problems ]
[ It Could Cause Two People To Not Want To Speak ]

[ To Each Other ]
[ Like To Your Father ]
[ Like With Your Mother ]

[ That Has Happend So Many Times In Your Past ]
[ Their Grudges Were Created To Last ]

[ You Were Written Off By Both Your Dad & Mom ]
[ @ One Time You Were Dealing With Don ]
[ Then You Had To Deal With Barbara’s Bomb ]

[ Through The Whole Accusatory Conversation You Had
     With Barbara You Remained Respectful ]
[ You Did Not Need To Be ]
[ You Did Not Have To Be ]
[ So You Were Careful ]
[ Because You Were Expected To Be ]
[ Because You Were Raised To Be ]

[ You Had So Many Occasions Where You Could Have Laughed
     It Off ]
[ & You Had Just As Many Times Where You Could Have Said
     ( FUCK YOU BARBARA ) In A Fake Cough ]

[ One Problem Is That You Don’t Go Against How You Were
     Raised ]
[ This Was The Under The Same Roof Where You Craved ]
[ To Be Praised ]

[ But It Never Came ]
[ That Is Why Mom & Dad Were Never Looked @ The Same ]
[ That Is Why ( MOM ) & ( DAD ) Were No Longer Their
     Names ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ]   ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(172)▪︎[ Hurting … 2•22•2020 ]

[ I Hurt So Much Right Now ]
[ I Am Supposed To Pull It Together ]
[ But I Don’t Know How ]

[ I Lost My Younger Brother Brent A Couple Of Nights
Ago ]
[ He Passed As He Slept ]
[ & Now I Don’t Know ]
[ How Long I’ve Wept ]

[ He Was The Last Member Of My Family In My Mind ]
[ Oh If I Could Only Pound On The Button That Says
( REWIND! ) ]

[ I Don’t Know How Far Back In Years I Would Go ]
[ Then I’d Hit ( PLAY ) ]
[ & Take It Really Slow ]

[ You See, We Were Separated About When He Was One &
I Was Two ]
[ I Knew I Had A Brother Out There ]
[ Somewhere ]
[ But I Had No Clue ]
[ I Grew Up Not Asking Questions ]
[ Because It Seemed Like Nobody Cared ]
[ Or Nobody Knew ]

[ It Wasn’t Until After We Were Married & My Wife Asked ]
[ ( WOULD YOU MIND IF I LOOKED FOR YOUR BROTHER? ) ]
[ I Told Her That She Could Take On That Task ]
[ But I Don’t Want To Know A Thing About Our Mother ]

[ She Tracked Down The Police Report For When My Dad
Shot Himself In The Head ]
[ Seeing This Report Was Something That I Grew Up To Dread ]

[ The Report Sent Her In The Direction That Would Make
Her Rave & Rant ]
[ Because It Said That The Names Of His Children Was Bobby,
Robin & Brant ]

[ That Made The Direction Of The Hunt Juke ]
[ Instead Of Jive ]
[ It Seems That When Our Dad Got Depressed He Never Told The Truth ]
[ About His Intentions To Die ]

[ The Information That She Found Blew My Mind To Pieces ]
[ She Even Found Names Of Possible Nephews & Nieces ]

[ So He Said He Couldn’t Help Us Know A Man With Brant For
His Name ]
[ But He Stated That He Has An Uncle ( BRENT ) Who Sounded
The Same ]

[ He Told My Wife He Had His Number & North
Carolina Was Where He
Lived ]
[ He Had His Uncle’s Number & Then Said ( THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO GIVE ) ]

[ The Next Night I Sat Down & Picked Up The Phone ]
[ I Thought ( THIS IS LIKE WALKING INTO THE UNKNOWN ) ]

[ A Man’s Voice Came On & Sounded Kind Of Gruff ]
[ Asking Him About Five Questions Was Kind Of Rough ]

[ Then He Asked Two Questions That I Thought Was Strange
But Funny ]
[ ( WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME … DO YOU NEED A KIDNEY ) ]

[ That Was The Start Of What We Had ]
[ He Talked About The Kids Who Call Him Dad ]

[ Brent Was All Of The Family That I’ve Got ]
[ Now Death Has Taken Him ]
[ & All Of That Effort Was For Naught ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo iā ‘oe ]
[ A hui hou mākou ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(341)▪︎[ Yes, But … 4•5•2020 ]

[ When Can You Tell When It’s Time To Let Go? ]
[ Is It That Little Voice In The Back Of Your Head ]
[ That Lets You Know? ]

[ Can It Be The Signs On The Wall ]
[ That Can Be Seen By All? ]

[ Except By You ]
[ Why Didn’t You See That Clue? ]

[ If You Can’t See, Sense, Or Feel Them ]
[ That Becomes A Problem ]

[ Often Times You Have No Idea What’s Going On ]
[ When During A Day Of Running Errands ]
[ They’ve Been Gone ]
[ For So Long ]

[ Do You Ever Feel Sick ]
[ & Feel A Panic ]
[ When You Know ]
[ It’s Not Because Of Traffic? ]

[ When Does That Little Voice ]
[ Stop Being Just Noise? ]

[ When You Start To Sense ]
[ That Things Are Not Adding Up ]
[ & That Makes You Tense ]

[ What Do You Do ]
[ When You Feel ]
[ That Once Again ]
[ They Are Not Just Only Loving You? ]

[ With All Of Those ( YES, BUT … ) ]
[ Tearing A Two Feet Wide Hole ]
[ In Your Gut ]

[ You Just Want To Shout ]
[ ( HOW IS THIS GOING TO PLAY OUT? ) ]
[ Because Now, You Are Having Doubts ]

[ About The Loyalty ]
[ & Their Take On Monogamy ]

[ How Do They Define That Task? ]
[ Are You Afraid To Ask? ]

[ Yes, But … ]
[ Yes But, What? ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo iā ‘oe ]
[ A hui hou mākou ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(381)▪︎[ It Was Her … 4•16•2020 ]

[ Mourning The Inevitable, Seems Like a Waste Of Time ]
[ That’s Like Taking A Pair Of Old Tennis Shoes ]
[ & Trying To Make Them Shine ]

[ How Much Time & Effort Do You Put In? ]
[ If You Don’t Know When It Ends ]
[ How Do You Know Where To Begin ]

[ Quite A Conundrum That You Stepped Into ]
[ Does It Make You Blue? ]
[ Do You Know What To Do? ]

[ Then You Feel Like You Stepped Into Quicksand ]
[ If You Can ]
[ Can You Stand? ]

[ When You Struggle, You Sink ]
[ When You Relax ]
[ You Stay On Top, So You Can Blink ]

[ When You Try To Relax, You Have Cognitive Dissonance ]
[ Your Body Wants To Struggle ]
[ & You Don’t Have Any Confidence ]

[ Get Up & Get Out ]
[ Your Mind Tries To Shout ]

[ Will Anyone Miss You? ]
[ Will Anyone Come To Help You? ]
[ Will Anyone Save You? ]

[ Do You Deserve To Be Saved? ]
[ If You Get Out Will You Behave? ]

[ Now You See Someone On The Horizon ]
[ Do They Have A Phone ]
[ & Their Service Is Through Verizon? ]

[ You Try To Shout, But You Can’t Make A Sound ]
[ You Struggle & Start Sinking Down ]
[ Then Your Hand Feels A Rope ]
[ & You Are Pulled Out To Dry Ground ]

[ & You Feel Through Happenstance ]
[ You’ve Been Given A Second Chance ]

[ @ Life ]
[ When You Look Up To See Who Was There ]
[ You See Your Wife ]

[ Then You Are Startled Awake & It Seems ]
[ You Were Having One Of Your Bad Dreams ]

[ Then You Look @ Your Wife & You Know Something You Should
Give ]
[ You Give Her This Look ]
[ That Tells Her She’s The Reason You Live ]

~ Ka hopena ~

[ Mahalo iā ‘oe ]
[ A hui hou mākou ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(333)▪︎[ So Much Pain … 4•22•2021 ]

[ There Is So Much Pain Busting @ The Seams In Your Heart ]
[ When Another Dart Is Thrown ]
[ It Continues To Tear You Apart ]

[ It May Be A Word ]
[ That You Heard ]

[ Or An Action That Was Done ]
[ But You Found Out A Long Time Ago ]
[ That Hurtful Words Are Things That You Cannot Out Run ]

[ They Find You By Seeking You Out ]
[ It Could Be A Whisper ]
[ Or It Could Be A Shout ]

[ The Whispered Hurtful Words Do Not Draw A Crowd ]
[ But, What Always Does ]
[ Are The Ones That Are Said Out Loud ]

[ Those Are The Ones That Always Draws Others Attention ]
[ & Because It Does ]
[ There Are Higher Levels Of Contention ]

[ Sometimes Hurtful Words Are Said Because Someone
Lied ]
[ When Hurtful Words Are Said ]
[ You Want To Run & Hide ]

[ Not In A Playful Way Of Another Game Of Hide -n- Seek ]
[ These Words Can Create Such Big Problems ]
[ It Could Cause Two People To Not Want To Speak ]

[ To Each Other ]
[ Like To Your Father ]
[ Like With Your Mother ]

[ That Has Happend So Many Times In Your Past ]
[ Their Grudges Were Created To Last ]

[ You Were Written Off By Both Your Dad & Mom ]
[ @ One Time You Were Dealing With Don ]
[ Then You Had To Deal With Barbara’s Bomb ]

[ Through The Whole Accusatory Conversation You Had
With Barbara You Remained Respectful ]
[ You Did Not Need To Be ]
[ You Did Not Have To Be ]
[ So You Were Careful ]
[ Because You Were Expected To Be ]
[ Because You Were Raised To Be ]

[ You Had So Many Occasions Where You Could Have Laughed
It Off ]
[ & You Had Just As Many Times Where You Could Have Said
( FUCK YOU BARBARA ) In A Fake Cough ]

[ One Problem Is That You Don’t Go Against How You Were
Raised ]
[ This Was The Under The Same Roof Where You Craved ]
[ To Be Praised ]

[ But It Never Came ]
[ That Is Why Mom & Dad Were Never Looked @ The Same ]
[ That Is Why ( MOM ) & ( DAD ) Were No Longer Their
Names ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]