(062)▪︎[ Coulda Shoulda Woulda … 1•17•2020 ]

[ Way Way Back In The Brain, Where There Are A Whole Bunch
Of Woulds ]
[ There Also Lies Piles, Of Shoulds & Coulds ]

[ Some Of These Are Here, Because Of Changes In The Attitude ]
[ Some Need To Change, To Get In A Better Mood ]

[ Could One Of These Be The Thing That We Woulda Shoulda
Coulda Had Been Done ]
[ Some Were For Work Or Life ]
[ Some Coulda Made Our Life A Lot More Fun ]
[ Should I Had Walked Down That Street? ]
[ Should I Had Gone On That Run? ]

[ Could One Woulda, Had Me Marry The Wrong Wife? ]
[ That Would Be All I Would Need ]
[ A Lifetime Of Strife! ]

[ What If I Had Bought That Hat? ]
[ If Only I Had Only Done This Or That ]

[ Should I Had Bought That One In White ]
[ Could I Have Really Won? ]
[ If I Went Left Instead Of Right ]

[ Do I Call All Of These Coulda Shoulda Woulda’s ( REGRETS )? ]
[ Or Should I Call Them ( FORGETS )? ]

[ I Cannot Do Anything About Them Now ]
[ I Cannot Look @ One & Say ( CHANGE! ) ( POW! ) ]

[ It Is Fun To Use The Imagination ]
[ It Is Fun To Have A Fascination ]
[ It Is Not Good To Have A Fixation ]

[ Because If You Take A Woulda Shoulda Coulda ]

[ And Try It & Fix ]
[ The Whole World Could Play Tricks ]
[ And You Might Just Run Into A Whole Lot Of Dicks ]

[ So Try As You Might ]
[ When It Comes To This Subject ]
[ Bid It Goodnight ]
[ And Take It Out Of The Bright Light ]
[ And Close Your Brain To Its Sight ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(1041)▪︎[ How It Affects Me … 8•11•19 ]

[ When PTSD Hit Me Right In The Face ]
[ I Checked Out Of The Human Race ]
[ The Memory Of That One Fateful Day, In 2002, Is What I Couldn’t Erase ]

[ All Of A Sudden I Thought Living Was A Waste ]
[ My Thoughts Were Moving Like Paste ]
[ So I Gave Suicide A Taste ]

[ 5, 6, 7 Attempts ]
[ I Was So Depressed & Unkept ]

[ It Totally Sunk Me Into The Dark ]
[ Everybody Was In Drive ]
[ While I Stayed, Stuck In Park ]

[ The Drive Inside Me Totally Died ]
[ If I Told You [ YES, I WANT TO LIVE ] ]
[ I Smiled & I Lied ]

[ I Had No Fight ]
[ I Had No Internal Fire ]
[ When I Sat In A Room I Didn’t Turn On The Light ]
[ I Became A Bad Liar ]
[ Because I Failed To Know Wrong From Right ]
[ I Became As Useful As A Flat Tire ]
[ I Was A Sad Sight ]
[ Who Never Should Had Been Admired ]

[ @ Times I’d Feel So Ill ]
[ All I Thought About Was Swallowing A Handful Of Pills ]

[ For My Family I Was One Big Minus ]
[ For So Many Moments ]
[ I Wasn’t @ My Finest ]

[ All I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone ]
[ I Was Cold, Clear To My Bones ]
[ When People Talked To Me ]
[ I Didn’t Like Their Tone ]

[ The Voices Inside Of My Head Were So Loud ]
[ Physically I Was All By Myself ]
[ Mentally I Was Stuck In The Middle Of A Crowd ]

[ I Was A Shell Of The One That Lived & Thrived Until 2002 ]
[ When I Looked In The Mirror ]
[ There Was The Reflection Of A Man That I Never Knew ]

[ I Was Put Through 10 Painfull Sessions Of E.C.T. ]
[ Afterwards My Head Pounded ]
[ & My Vision Was Blurry ]

[ The Real Me Was Trapped Inside My Ill Mind ]
[ I Didn’t Know Sanity From My Own Behind ]

[ What Turned Around My Head ]
[ Was When I Went Unconscious Because Of Counter-
Active Meds ]

[ Days Turned Into Weeks, Which Then Became Months & Years ]
[ When Left All Alone In The Dark, I Shed Alot Of Tears ]
[ The Voices In My Head Only Shined A Spot Light On My Fears ]

[ But The P.T.S.D. Still Haunts My Days & Nights ]
[ The Sounds, The Smells & The Sights ]
[ Continues Giving Me Extreme Fright ]

[ Healing From P.T.S.D. Oftentimes Never Happens ]
[ Bad Night After Bad Night Totally Dampens ]

[ My Resolve ]
[ Because Sometimes The Problem Is Never Solved ]
[ & For Those Involved ]

[ It’s One Long Waiting Game ]
[ The Name’s The Same ]
[ But Is The Blame? ]

[ But The Way P.T.S.D. Affects Some ]
[ Is By Breaking Them Down So They Do Something Dumb ]
[ & Then When It’s Time To Get Together ]
[ They Don’t Want To Come ]

[ I Don’t Know If I’m Supposed To Thank ]
[ The System That Makes Me Draw A Blank ]

[ I Feel That P.T.S.D. Will Always Be With Me ]
[ Maybe Not Affecting Me Day After Day ]
[ But In My Memory ]

[ My Memory Seems To Be A Problem, Some Have Said ]
[ This Time The Problem IS All In My Head ]

[ My Memory Is Part Of The Reason I Don’t Move On ]
[ I Wish The Nightmares Would Be Gone ]
[ My Brain Makes Me Feel Like A Pawn ]

[ In A Game I Never Wanted To Play ]
[ But The P.T.S.D. Made Me Stay ]
[ I Wanted To Find Any Way ]

[ To Get Off Of The Merry-Go-Round ]
[ That Keeps Me From Having My Feet Firmly On The Ground ]

[ If It Wasn’t For My Strong Wife ]
[ I Wouldn’t Be Around Enjoying This Life ]

[ Then I Met A Counselor Who Kicked My Butt ]
[ She Wouldn’t Just Let Me Sit On The Couch Asking Her [ WHAT? ] ]

[ Then I Met An N.P. That Said, [ YOU’re TAKING TOO MUCH ] ]
[ So That Gave Me A Hunch ]
[ That I Needed To Pack A Lunch ]
[ Because This Woman Packs A Punch ]

[ They Jumped Right In ]
[ & Told Me To Begin Again ]

[ Their Goal Was To Make Me Whole ]
[ To Figure Out My Role ]

[ In The Family ]
[ & Society ]

[ P.T.S.D. Still Has An Affect ]
[ But More & More I Have Time To Reflect ]
[ About The Effect ]

[ It Has In My World ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(646)▪︎[ It Is All THEIR Business … 7•25•2020 ]

[ I Really Need To Stay Out Of Other People’s Business ]
[ If They Plan Or Choose To Do Something ]
[ I Need To Let It Be, Their Mess ]

[ & Never Mine ]
[ I Should Only Be Concerned About Going Dakine ]
[ Everyday, Before Nine ]

[ If They Want To Do Something, Then That Is What They’ll
Do ]
[ & If They Include Another ]
[ That Would Be Trouble, Times Two ]

[ That Means That Would Be ]
[ Something That Doesn’t Concern Or Affect Me ]

[ I Am Not Going To Be The One To Tell Them Where
Not To Step ]
[ Even If I Did ]
[ There Would Not Be Any Appreciation, I Bet ]

[ Appreciation Is Definitely Not Something That Is Widely
Shown ]
[ That Is A Fact, That Is Widely Known ]

[ So Known, That I’d Be Dumb Not To Know ]
[ Appreciation? ]
[ How Does It Show? ]

[ People Will Show That They Do Not Appreciate Something, Really
Quick ]
[ Even To Go As Far As Making Me Sick ]

[ Not To My Stomach, But In My Head ]
[ But Then I Ask Myself ]
[ ( DO I NEED MORE MED’s? ) ]
[ Or Maybe I Should Be Like Most Everyone Else ]
[ I’ll Just Throw Up My Arms & Go Back To Bed ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(822)▪︎[ A Big Thanks … 9•25•2020 ]

[ You Tore My Heart Out Of My Chest ]
[ & Just Threw It On The Ground ]
[ You Selfishly Thought That Would Be The Best ]
[ For Everybody Around ]

[ You Stood There Acting All Proud ]
[ While Talking Really Loud ]
[ To The Crowd ]

[ That Has Gathered Around You ]
[ Do You Really Think That You Are Getting Your
Point Through? ]
[ By Telling Them What You Do? ]

[ To Others That You Think Are Not As Strong? ]
[ & You Never Think That Is Wrong? ]

[ Is Your Sense Of Humanity Gone? ]
[ Has Your Good Conscience Moved On? ]

[ This Has Stopped Being Fun ]
[ So Now I’ve Got To Run ]
[ Because It Looks Like This Relationship Is Done ]

[ No Need To Explain ]
[ I Don’t Want To Hear You Complain ]

[ Not Anymore ]
[ Why, For? ]
[ It Makes Me Want To Head For The Door ]

[ I Knew This Was What You Dread ]
[ But When You Decided To Crawl In Another Man’s Bed ]
[ I Really Questioned What Was Going On In Your Head ]
[ You Should Had Thought Of Me ]
[ But You Thought Of Him Instead ]
[ That Is Why In My Heart ]
[ You Are Dead ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(281)▪︎[ Another Day … 4•4•2021 ]

[ You Tore My Heart Out Of My Chest ]
[ & Just Threw It On The Ground ]
[ You Selfishly Thought That Would Be The Best ]
[ For Everybody Around ]

[ You Stand There Acting All Proud ]
[ While Talking Really Loud ]
[ To The Crowd ]

[ That Has Gathered Around You ]
[ Do You Really Think That You Are Getting Your
Point Through? ]
[ By Telling Them What You Do? ]

[ To Others That You Think Are Not As Strong? ]
[ & You Never Think That Is Wrong? ]

[ Is Your Sense Of Humanity Gone? ]
[ Has Your Good Conscience Moved On? ]

[ This Has Stopped Being Fun ]
[ So Now I’ve Got To Run ]
[ Because It Looks Like This Relationship Is Done ]

[ No Need To Explain ]
[ I Don’t Want To Hear You Complain ]

[ Not Anymore ]
[ Why, For? ]
[ It Makes Me Want To Head For The Door ]

[ I Knew This Was What You Dread ]
[ But When You Decided To Crawl In Another Man’s Bed ]
[ I Really Questioned What Was Going On In Your Head ]
[ You Should Had Thought Of Me ]
[ But You Thought Of Him Instead ]
[ That Is Why In My Heart ]
[ You Are Dead ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(282)▪︎[ Counting The Hair On My Arm … 4•4•2021 ]

[ What Happens When You Get Up Really Early Because You
     Are Way Too Late? ]
[ & Forgot The Key For The Combination Lock On The
    Front Gate? ]

[ Would You Have To Go Around ]
[ As You Go Under? ]
[ & Then You Feel ]
[ The Lightning & The Thunder ]

[ The Thunder Is So Bright ]
[ & The Lightning Is So Loud ]
[ Does That Make You Have To Stand To The Right? ]
[ Of The Gathering Crowd? ]

[ Does The Crowd Cause The Thunder To Flash? ]
[ Does The Sound Of The Lightning ]
[ Cause Some Cars To Crash? ]

[ That Is One Part Of Father Time That No One Wants
     @ All ]
[ Just Like Summer Weather Happening In The Fall ]

[ When Fall Rolls In ]
[ Does That Make You Think Of Spring Again? ]

[ Father Time Can Make It A Windy Day ]
[ Only If The Laws Of Nature ]
[ Has Her Way ]

[ What Goes Up Doesn’t Always Go Sideways ]
[ But Sometimes It Does Come Down ]
[ If Simon Says ]

[ Simon Does Not Always Cooperate From What I’ve Seen ]
[ Because Sometimes My Ribeye Steak ]
[ Does Not Always Come Out Feeling Lean ]

[ Just Like Ice Cream Colors Are Not Always Bold ]
[ & Hot Apple Pie ]
[ Is Not Very Cold ]

[ But If I Was Standing On Top Of A Bridge Over Looking
     The Water ]
[ Would I Need To Rely On ]
[ The Ears Of A Spotter? ]

[ If I Jumped, Would I Have To Swim Before I Fly? ]
[ Aquaman Can’t ]
[ Because He Does Not Have Good Eyes ]

[ When He Walks In Water Does He Keep His Eyes Closed? ]
[ Or Does He Go Invisible? ]
[ So He Might Have To Really Plug His Nose ]

[ Before I End This Story, I Have One More Thing To Say ]
[ Okay ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ]   ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(704)▪︎[ Since I Was Young … 8•16•2020 ]

[ It Seems That Ever Since I Was Young ]
[ There Have Been Many Times ]
[ Where I Had To Hold My Tongue ]

[ How Did I Accomplish This Over The Years? ]
[ It Wasn’t From Drowning My Tears ]
[ By Taking Whiskey Shots With My Beers ]

[ In Fact I Don’t Drink A Drop ]
[ After I Drank @ My Bachelor Party ]
[ I Once Again Decided To Stop ]

[ I Think It Is So Nice ]
[ That I Don’t Have To Think About Not Drinking Twice ]
[ Therefore Not Being Addicted ]
[ To Any Dangerous Vice ]

[ But I Have Been Holding My Tongue, Down To An Art ]
[ I Decided That I Never Wanted To Live Apart ]
[ From The People Who Are The Closest To My Heart ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(693)▪︎[ The Waves Continue To Roll On … 8•13•2020 ]

[ Did You Ever Have A Day That Felt Like You Rode A Wave ]
[ When The Ocean Was Turbulent ]
[ & Didn’t Behave? ]

[ Up, Down, Around & Around ]
[ Slip Sliding Away ]
[ Until You Hit The Ground ]

[ Then You Tell Yourself That You Are Not Cut ]
[ So You Need To Get Up! ]

[ Getting Knocked Down Never Hurt Anyone ]
[ You Know That Getting Knocked Down Is Not Any Fun ]

[ Resiliancy Is A Good Thing To Have Most Days ]
[ You Can Be Resilient In Many Ways ]

[ You Just Have To Find The Ways That Work For You ]
[ Then You Will Now Know ]
[ What To Do & Not Do ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(694)▪︎[ Who Leads? … 8•13•2020 ]

[ Is The World Changing Before Our Very Eyes? ]
[ Do Those Washington Guys ]
[ Only Tell Us Lies? ]

[ What Is Their Endgame? ]
[ Are The Ones To Blame ]
[ Still The Same? ]

[ Where Is Our Leader? ]
[ Who Is Our Chief? ]
[ Is He A Cheater? ]
[ & A Thief? ]

[ A Leader Is Supposed To Lead By Example, But He Won’t ]
[ Does He Follow His Own ]
[ Do’s Or Don’ts? ]

[ From What I Hear & See, None Of Them Does ]
[ But Do People Follow These Leaders ]
[ Just Because? ]

[ Who Really Speaks For Us Day In & Day Out? ]
[ Who Really Knows What They Are Talking About? ]
[ Who Has The Good Reputation ]
[ & The Clout? ]

[ There Are A Few Questions I Probably Need To Ask Myself ]
[ But Do I Get The Opinions Of Anyone Else? ]

[ I Just Don’t Want To Feel Like A Sheep Being Led Around
By My Nose ]
[ That Is Not The Way Of Life That I Chose ]

~ The End ~

[ Mahalo ]
[ A hui hou aku ]
[ Aloha ] ‎
‎
[ Na ]
[ Lopaka DeVoe ]

(822)▪︎[ A Big Thanks … 9•25•2020 ]